a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
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[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu