ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
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You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Doggies just call it style.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.