How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
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If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Dead sexy!!
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO