So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
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My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I did not eat the cake…
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]