Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
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I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
So inspired right now.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex