Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
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“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes