Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

I like donuts.

Twitter:

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

*mops up wine with cat*

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.