Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
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I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
yeah not falling for this one
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Me sliding into hell like
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]