Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
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I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
This was a bad idea all around
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this![]()
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Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
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[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
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I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?