When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
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The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
it’s a van. how do they not know this
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
those birds must be on payroll
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday