I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
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my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.