[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
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Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person