Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
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When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably