Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
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Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Not messing around
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Breaking news:
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct