Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
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My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan