Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
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Well, this is awkward
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.