*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
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*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Saturday
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw