Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
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You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
*checks Timeline*…
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Generation gap…
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.