Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
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announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Me trying to look natural in photos
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of