wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
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Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Nice try Hitler
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.