Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”