Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
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Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…