I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
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“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.