I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
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*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.