I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
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can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
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These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
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Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together