I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
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*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents