No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
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Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
These fireworks are awesome! High four!