Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
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Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Husband of the year 😂
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.