Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
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A ghost story
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Education is vital
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break