I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
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I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?