Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
You Might Also Like
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.