My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
You Might Also Like
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Holy moly
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now