I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
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Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.