Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
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Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
These are my emotional support Pringles.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Ovenable?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.