Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
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Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.