Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
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Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?