Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
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“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
All. The. Damn. Time.