Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
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[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.