@DamienFahey Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
@MikeDrucker You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
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@DamienFahey 
@thetits [just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
@Fred_Delicious [penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
@DomesticGoddss Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
@subtweetopath I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
@WSiefford I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
@StanHels1ng “Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
@kriswasp Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
@Carbosly This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
@Dawn_M_ Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.