Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.