@MikeDrucker

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

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@DamienFahey

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

@thetits

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

@Fred_Delicious

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”

Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

@DomesticGoddss

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

@subtweetopath

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

@WSiefford

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

@StanHels1ng

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

@Carbosly

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

@Dawn_M_

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.