You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
“what that mouth do?” complain
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.