Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
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Des Moines Police having a normal one
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Facebook memories be like
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol