Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
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Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Not helping
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
This woman is my idol. Free her.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Milk Cube
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
next level snooze