It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
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If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
called in thicc to work this morning
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.