Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
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cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.