Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
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I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
A wise man once said nothing.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad