Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
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it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
it was love at first sight
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I occasionally drink every single night.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
BETRAYAL
*looks at you in batman voice*
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.