So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
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lmao
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Stop.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’