There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
when you order from DoorDastardly
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
watergate? u mean a dam??
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.