They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
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Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
New menu item
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.