“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
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[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “