My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
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Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
This line from Airplane.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Plant care tips