Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
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It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?