My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
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me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.