Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
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King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
My life coach traded me.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
#gardening
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?