Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
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Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”