my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
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me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
God, I love Scotland
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”