I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
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My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.